Struggling In The Christian Life✨

I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always a struggling christian. I can remember when I was younger you couldn’t tell me anything about Christianity nor my church. I wore my rosary with pride in secondary school while others felt ashamed or it just felt it wasn’t “cool” to wear a rosary. Well that was their problem not mine. 

I wore my rosary with pride and had my anointing oil and my Bible hand in hand. I was that girl! and I wasn’t ashamed of it. After afternoon prep in my JS1 you could find me arguing with my other set mates about the Bible and correcting their wrong impressions about my church. In fact after that, a lot of other Catholic girls felt more confident wearing their rosary’s in school. That was the first influential thing I had done in secondary school and I was really proud. 

I often went to the school clinic to pray with my sick classmates hoping they’ll get well soon and they often recovered from their sickness and back to class in no time. I didn’t think of it then but now I was like one small mother Theresa 😌✨.

My mother always told me that God answers the prayers of children fast so I always leveraged on that a lot. And my prayers were indeed always answered and I felt really special. 

I was the leading Catholic in my set, for females at least. I was in the choir and read Sunday readings all the time! And always made myself available for anything the church needed me for. 

So when exactly did I start struggling with my faith if I was always so active? 

It wasn’t immediately I must tell you, it happened gradually and I didn’t even realize it until I got really disconnected from God and was I even agnostic at some point.

I can’t exactly pin point where the disconnect started but I can remember hating the fact that we spent an hour plus in church on collection in my parish at home. The priest rushed through Bible readings and the sermon so they’ll have enough time to collect money, well that’s how I saw it anyway. I went to other parishes so I know it wasn’t like that at other parishes. It became quite irritating and going to church seemed more like a burden than a thing of joy for me. 

But what really hit the camel on the back for me was my uncles death. My uncles death was a very hard time in my life and it just seemed like everything was falling apart. I remember people always telling me that stupid line- excuse my language “everything happens for a reason”. I hated that line used in that context so much!

I snapped at one women who came to tell me that at my uncles Virgil mass. She had walked up slowly to me held my hand and said “I’m sorry for your loss. Take heart ehh, everything happens for a reason.” I immediately pulled my hand away and said “what kind of stupid reason is that?”with tears in my eyes and anger and walked off.

What kind of reason did God possibly have for taking my uncles away so soon?

What could he possibly gain for watching my aunty and my cousins suffer the loss of a husband and father at such a young age??? And you’ll open their mouth and tell me everything happens for a reason??? That seemed very nonsensical to me.

A few Sunday’s after that I sat with my little cousin in church and the priest was preaching about how God loves his children and all. My cousin roped his hands through mine and whispered in my ear with childhood innocence, “If God really loves us why did he take my daddy away?”. My heart broke and I didn’t know what to respond so I just held his hand and hugged him really tight holding myself back from crying in church and making him cry in return. 

I found myself struggling to pray and even going to church. I had just started university and could opt out of church going so I did. On Sunday’s I just laid in my bed and read novels or my school work. It was in my year 2 that I started going to church again. I had a very devoted Catholic roomate that dragged me to church. I realized that I preferred the parish in school and went more often. 

I also tried going to other churches. I thought to myself “Maybe I’ve just outgrown the church and I need to try something else”. So I explored other churches. It came to a point where my friends started calling me “The Church Whore” 😂😂😂- someone that kept hopping from one church to another. My spiritual life was such a mess I tell you. 

I enjoyed the preaching of the other churches but one thing that couldn’t stand was the very loud praise and worship songs. You see I grew up a Catholic and it’s never that loud in church so I wondered why other churches were like that. A person can feel the spirit without you blowing their eardrums- I mean this with respect. I often found myself closing my ears and people looked at my like I was one devil in church so I just left. 

It also doesn’t help that going to church often means that you receive a lot of misogynistic talks from pastors and priests- that’s of the reasons I turned away from church. I found myself back in the solitude of the Catholic Church maybe because it felt like home. I am not even a better Christian now. I still struggle everyday. I’m trying, I really am but it’s very hard. 

You know the thing about Christianity to me?, no matter how hard I fight it or try to live my life how I want, it always, always pulls me back. It’s the silent voice in my head telling me to pray even when I don’t want to. And I deeply dislike the fact that when I do not pray about that thing I so deeply desire, it most likely doesn’t go my way. I think to myself “You’re trying to win me over, and you’re not helping at all.” Who am I talking to? I really don’t know maybe to God?

I think most young adults have struggled in some kind of way when it comes to christianity or religion in general. I think its all part of the process of figuring yourself out you know. Sometimes I don’t think its something to stress about too much. Everything will fall into place somehow.

Well, this is to all the struggling Christians out there, I hope that you’ll find your place and footing in Christendom, well that’s up to you if you want. I really don’t know what to say at this point to encourage you cause I’m struggling on my own 😅😂😂💔. This is just another rant of mine hoping someone out there relates to being a struggling christian. Well Goodluck on your journey. To Struggling Christians 🥂. 

Are you a struggling christian like me?

What exactly made you turn away?

I would love to hear all about it in the comment section below. And if you have any advise for struggling christians do well to share them in the comment section too ❤️✨.